Broken pencil who?
Oh, never mind it’s pointless!
Why did the children eat their homework?
Because their teacher said it was a piece of cake.
Teacher: Didn’t you hear me call you?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!
What did one math book say to the other?
Don’t bother me I’ve got my own problems!
How do you get straight A’s?
By using a ruler!
Where do birds go to school?
Why can’t you do a math test in the jungle?
There are too many cheetahs!
What did the calculator say to the other calculator? “You can count on me!”
What’s the best place to grow flowers in school? In kinder-garden.
Why did the new boy steal a chair from the classroom? Because the teacher told him to take a seat.
What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!
Teacher: What is the shortest month?
Pupil: May, it only has three letters.
Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed?
She couldn’t control her pupils!
What do you call a boy with a dictionary in his pocket?
Boy: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Only if you can say the alphabet
Boy: OK abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz Teacher: Where’s the p? Boy: “Halfway down my leg.”
Teacher, I can’t solve this problem.
Any five year old should be able to solve this one.
No wonder I can’t do it then, I’m nearly ten!
Why was the music teacher not able to open his class room?
Because his keys were on the piano.
What do you get when you cross a teacher and a vampire? Lots of blood tests!
Teacher: If 5 people gave you $20, what do you get? Pupil: A new bike.
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because his class was so bright!
What school subject is a witch good at?
Why did the clock go to the principal’s office? For tocking too much!
What object is king of the classroom?
Buzz: “First I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that, I got erysipelas with hemochromatosis. Following that, I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations.”
Butch: “Boy you had a time!”
Buzz: “I’ll say! I thought I’d never pull through that spelling test.”
Student: “I hear that fish is brain food.”
Roomate: “Yeah, I eat it all the time.”
Student” “Another theory disproved.”
Marty: “He was kicked out of school for cheating!”
Wade: “How come?”
Marty: “He was caught counting his ribs in a biology exam.”
Dancer: “Say, can’t you stretch the music a little longer — just a dance or two more?
Band Leader: “Sorry, Sir. This isn’t a rubber band.”
Two women were preparing to board an airliner. One of them turned to the pilot and said, “Now, please don’t travel faster than sound. We want to talk.”
She: “How gracefully that man over there eats corn on the cob!”
He: “Yes. He used to be a piccolo player in the Marine Band.”
Sergeant (after a War Game): “Private Jones, didn’t you realize you were exposing yourself to an imaginary enemy only 250 yards away?”
Private Jones: “That’s right, Sergeant. I was standing behind that imaginary rock 25 feet high!”
“As we have learned,” said the teacher, “the former ruler of Russia was called a Czar, and his wife was called a Czarina. Now who can tell me what the Czar’s children were called?”
A little boy at the back of the class piped up and said, “Czardines!”
“Now boys,” said the teacher, “tell me the signs of the zodiac. You first Tommy.”
“Taurus, the Bull.”
“Right. Now you Harry, another one.”
“Cancer the Crab.”
“Right again. Now, Sammy, it’s your turn.”
The boy looked puzzled, hesitated a moment and then blurted out, “Mickey the Mouse!”
Teacher: “Can you give me an example of wasted energy?”
Willy: “Yes, ma’am, telling a hair-raising story to a bald-headed man.”
Teacher: “Give me a sentence with an object.”
Pupil: “You’re very beautiful, teacher.”
Teacher: “What’s the object?”
Pupil: “A good grade!”
Teacher: “Give me an example of a collective noun.”
Student: “Garbage can.”
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